First thing's first, last night was... AWESOME! First of all I don't go to Decatur a lot, and for good reason. Something always happens when I go there. Not something good or bad, just something frustrating I suppose, but in the end it's usually good. Anywhoozle, I head to the Decatur last night to see Bruce "The Chin" Campbell hock his new movie. You know the one he directed and starred in as himself, My Name Is Bruce. So, I head out around 4:30-ish, and after getting gas and dropping off my rent check I run right into traffic. I honestly should have seen this one coming, but visions of chins danced in my head instead. I end up missing my exact, because there were about three semis squabbling over the lanes like little girls, and because of that I couldn't get over to get off, yet alone see the sign to my exit. Before I know it I'm passing Sherman. I frantically call up the Molly, and she then tells me the best course of action is to turn around and just start over. G'ah! So, I did it. I found my exit the second time around. Thank the makers, but not of semis. Then I end up playing phonetag with Natey on the drive down until I make to teh Decatur.
I'm about an hour behind. It's ohhhh 6-ish when I make it to town, and the doors to the theater opened at 6, and the show started at 8. So, because of the lovely snow the other night once I get into Decatur all of the signs are snowed over, and I can't read any of them. I phone up Nate again and ask for landmarks to make my way to The Woods, where he resides. The plan was to get a bite to eat, once I got into town and then head to the theater. I park in the lot of the Jimmy John's, and Nate and Megan meet me there. The Megan departs for class as Nate and I grab a sammich, and then sneak into her apartment to eat, because aparantly this Jimmy John's doesn't even have one table for sitting.
After scarfing down the sammiches and chugging a root beer we head to the theater. Previously, I had thought about looking up directions to the theater, but then I figured, "N'ahhh. Nate's been here long enough. I'm sure he knows where it is." I couldn't have been more wrong. We left Megan's around 6:45-ish and then drove around for a good 20-25 minutes looking for the Avon. After a phone call and a text message we found it. Thank the makers, but not of semis. The tickets were waiting for me at the door, and after procurring twizzlers and a bladder busting soft drink we head into the theater. My god. You could just smell cheese and bacon everywhere. It was like someone fried up loneliness and desperation and then let it sit under a heatlamp for five hours. Nate and I played musical chairs a good number of times before finding a good set of seats that wasn't dripping with that awful stench and was not directly behind fat greasy hair or fat shaggy hair. It was about 40 minutes till the show started that all the real winners started flooding in. I mean real class-A mouth breathers with hiked up pants, taped glasses, and pockmarked faces. Twenty minutes till showtime, and we had an empty seat next to me. We were almost home free. Then it happened.
"Is this seat taken?" The huge sweaty ogre todting a literal tub of popcorn and a drum of soda exhaled.
"No. Take a seat" I replied. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Why oh why did I let him sit down? Why didn't I tell him it was taken? Damn Damn Damn Fuck!
The lingering odar of his trough of cheddar cheese popcorn combined with the overwhelming stench of his failing deoderant under that parka of his about made me vomit. The dweebtastic neo-loser even brought a DVD and a book for Bruce Campbell to sign when it was clearly stated that there would be no signing, just a Q&A afterwards. He kept butting into the nonsensical conversations Nate & I were having as well. Just like that pathetic kid in highschool who has no appreciation for himself, but wants to be a part of the group so he just stands around intergects his opinion when it's quite clear that NO ONE CARES. Poor guy. I felt bad for him, but at the same time I didn't like the idea of our elbows rubbing each other as he chortled and scarfed down that vomit corn during the movie. The whole time I was thinking, "Man, if only I wasn't unsure about ticket availability. Then Roger would be here, and I could be rubbing elbows with them. Damn you Decatur!"
Finally the movie started after some lame jokes from the proprietor of the Avon Theater, Skip Huston, and some even lamer remarks from my new elbow mate. I must say this movie was fan-fucking-tastic! Bruce Campbell at his best if you ask me. Honestly, if you thought he couldn't top his performance in Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness, or even the widely acclaimed Bubba Ho-Tep then you need to see Bruce strut his stuff in this flick. I would tell you the premise, but why don't you just watch the trailer instead. BAM!
Ok, so the trailer is pretty bad. I admit, after seeing the trailer I wasn't expecting much from the movie, but boy were my expectations blown out of the water... HARD! This movie was simply fun and funny with guns, chinese demons, music, transgendered hookers, cave aliens, and Bruce Campbell! Is there really any way to top that? I don't think so. Ok... here's another way of putting it this movie is like Bubba Ho-Tep except instead of a geriatric Elvis and geezer who thinks he is JFK we just have Bruce Campbell. Yeah. It's kind of like that. Awesome, right? I knew you'd see it my way.
So, after the movie was over the man, the myth, the chin himself came out to field questions... or for the first 10 minutes or so lack thereof. This is the fourth time I've got to see Bruce Campbell, and I must say if you ever get the oppurtunity to you should. He's just such a delight. Always in good spirits, and always making fun of everyone, but everyone loves him so he can't be faulted. Some questioneer stated she was from Missouri, and Bruce exclaimed, "Missouri?! Well, then I better... sloooow... dooown... for... you. Do you mosey in Missouri? (in his best podunk accent) I'm just gonna mosey on down to the store." As he hunched his back and slowly walked across the stage. "What do you do in Missouri?" Then he continued in his southern drawl, "We hunt and screw. What are you hunting? Something to screw." He did all of this while she waited patiently to ask him a question. It was a hoot. That's all he did was poke fun at the yokels in Decatur, and their ancient bean-counting economy. Oh yeah, he made fun of Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst too. What a riot! However, as previously stated, it was all in good fun. After he fielded questions for ohhhh probably 45 minutes or so, if not an hour, he left the stage. As he got into his car and took off, the ushers kept everyone in theater just in case anyone got the wise idea of hunting down the Bruce.
So, that's what I did last night. (In my best intimidating James McAvoy voice, which no matter how you cut out sounds like a 12 year old boy begging for candy) What the fuck did you do?
In gaming news the dynamic duo Tenacious D will be on xbox live tomorrow between 6 & 9PM playing Rock Band 2. They are throwing up open challenges to friendly rock offs tomorrow. If anyone is interested you must add their GamerTags: JBTenacious and KGTenacious at least half an hour before the event, so that's by 5:30PM, and then be online during the event. Do it!
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