Arrr! It's Driving Me Nuts

The following is a transcription of a conversation I had with Hizzoner's sister about how horrible I think Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is. I caught this flick opening weekend. I even dressed up like a pirate for it. I made a newspaper hat, an eyepatch, and a cardboard sword. I was dreadfully dissapointed. You'll see why.

No names have been changed to protect anyone.

3kalb: have you seen the new Pirates yet?
yellownbluepumas: nope
yellownbluepumas: you?
3kalb: ...yeah. It's awful
yellownbluepumas: awwwwwwwwwwwwww
yellownbluepumas: no
yellownbluepumas: I really want to see it
3kalb: yep
3kalb: you can see it, or you can watch star wars and replace all the sci-fi characters with pirate characters
yellownbluepumas: oh
yellownbluepumas: that's unfortunate
3kalb: i agree
3kalb: they took a good (great, actually) commercial film like Pirates of the Carribean and turned into a played-out, 2D saga just to sell plastic to people that don't need any.
yellownbluepumas: people don't need plastic?
yellownbluepumas: plastic is one of my favorite words
yellownbluepumas: I like the way it looks written out and also the way it sounds when you say it
3kalb: this is true. plastic is fun, but you know what I mean when I say "plastic". I mean disney is setting up a franchise to flood the market with pirate merchandise that consumers really have no use for, much like most consumer goods.
yellownbluepumas: yes
3kalb: good!
3kalb: so, let's do the list... are you ready?
yellownbluepumas: but I still like the word plastic
yellownbluepumas: yes
3kalb: i'll agree with you, "plastic" is a fun word, and I do love cheap plastic things. I like attaching emotional value to them and keeping them close to me.
3kalb: ok. the list!
3kalb: Jack Sparrow ~ Obiwan Kenobi
Orlando Bloom ~ Luke Skywalker
Kira Knightley ~ Princess Leia
Davy Jones ~ Darth Vader
The guy who was going to marry Kira in the beginning of the first film. I forgot his name ~ Boba Fett
Beckett ~ Emperor Palpatine
3kalb: I think that's it
3kalb: I think I'm missing one or two. They through in a soothsayer ala Matrix.
yellownbluepumas: lol
3kalb: All the characters are very 2D, and not as rounded out as the first one. Plus they don't seem to have any motivtion for their actions, other than to keep the plot moving. I.E. "I don't like you, but if I acted on it there wouldn't be a movie anymore so I'll just go along with you instead."
3kalb: It's horrible. I dressed up like a pirate and everything for that movie; newspaper hat, eyepatch, and cardboard sword.
yellownbluepumas: but isn't it setting up for the third movie?
yellownbluepumas: I heard it was all action, no plot
yellownbluepumas: I'm unexcited about it due to the lack of good reviews
3kalb: yeah. there's a lot of action, but it's not great action. the best part of the film, was when three of them were fighting in the water-wheel, and the camera rolled along with the wheel and the background moved around. That was fun, but only lasted a few seconds.
3kalb: here's the problem with the franchise, it's just like The Matrix. The first Matrix was a great film. It had solid, rounded-out characters, a comples and involving plot, and it ended everything up quite nicely with just the right amount of allusion to keep everyone interested in watching it over and over again. However, then the WaCOCKsi bros went and added (should I say "added", I mean "tacked on") two more movies to make a trilogy. The second one was supposed to be plot-heavy/thought-provoking, while the third one was balls-to-the-wall action with as little plot as possible. The Pirates movies are the same way. The first one was good and it ended in a nice little package that made you feel good. Then they went and tacked on two more movies just to have a franchise and keep the spirit of Pirates fresh in the consumer's mind. Notice I say consumer, and not movie-goer because let's face it. The last two movies in the Pirates trilogy, just like the Matrix trilogy, are all about getting to the consuming masses.
3kalb: I was really hurt by it. I was expecting more commercial film goodness and instead I got a flimsy saga story with pirates. ARRRRRRRR!
yellownbluepumas: lol
3kalb: if you see it, i want to know your thoughts ok?
yellownbluepumas: mmk
3kalb: Sorry about that rant there, but I needed to get it out.
3kalb: In fact, I may very well take that very rant and post it on the Error 204 blog.

And I did.